It’s something about the last days of summer when the temperatures finally start to taper off. There is a distinct smell, probably from something the trees are doing that I’m not aware of, that fills my mind memories of my first day of school and new shoes and backpacks. The short fall we had has led into a whole other set of smells and thoughts that remind me of last February and the obnoxious snow storm as well as other winters. I’m not starting any types of school, and I have no plans this winter as of yet. But the last few months have been very atypical for me. I haven’t been planning anything really social (outside of Milkshake Mondays) and I’ve spent most of my time trying to keep my schedule clear. I’ve been successful for the most part in that effort and it’s allowed me to reflect more and learn a lot of things about myself. I won’t go into the painstaking details of my shortcomings and failures, but there has been a light shed on a lot of that in my reflections. Trust me, there is a lot.
As the holidays approach, so does stress. Sadly, the holidays are somewhat tainted for me due to broken families and having to split time and trying to satisfy arbitrary commitments to people I barely know. I also don’t care for the forced nature of how the holidays take place now either. It’s hard to just walk into a step family and Christmas is normal. It’s difficult to spend Thanksgiving with a family who always has and probably always will hate the other, now ex, parent. It sucks to be caught in the middle. It’s been about 10 years since it happened too. More than a third of my life and its still just as awkward as it was the first time.
I’m not writing this to wallow in my sorrows or beg for sympathy or fall into the typical emo blog status. Sure, I’ll get stressed about it and it will cause a series of bad days. But it all leads to me to think that I’m ready for a new season and more importantly keep looking forward. I turned 28 a couple of months ago and I’ll be honest, I’m not where I thought I would be. I thought I would be married by now and live in a house and have bbq’s with neighbors in a suburban neighborhood. I’m no where near that, but I feel like I’m getting closer. I’m starting to want different things. I want to park my car closer to where I live. I want a garage to put tools in. I want a crockpot and various other kitchenwares that my apt doesn’t have room for. I want a lawn mower and a yard to mow. I want a house I can paint walls in and not have to worry about what color I have to paint it back to in a year. I find myself loving kids more and more by the day. I’ll be honest, I want a wife. And kids. I think these desires amplify during this season because, with regard to my own broken families, I just want my own. I want my own Christmas. My own Thanksgiving. Somebody to go look at Christmas lights with. Somebody to go people watch in a mall with. Somebody that I know I don’t have to play a part for. Know that I’m not actively in a perpetual search for this because God will deliver whatever I need in due time. Perhaps He already has. I know this. I don’t believe He would put the desires in my heart without fulfilling them.
Our most recent sermon at church was about praising God even in rough times (I think Psalm 43). This is my feeble attempt at just that. No matter how bad my days get, I’m doing my best to keep looking to God. He is good and will keep me on the path that He intends to. I’m just trying to hold on and learn whatever I can.
Mark, thanks for sharing your heart.
I know exactly how you feel, down to the multiple families part. I even have a husband and still know how you feel about many of the things you mentioned. You’re right, God would not have put those desires in your heart without a promise to fulfill in some way. I am struggling with that same concept myself. You’re in my prayers and I will also throw in a hope for less snow this go ’round.